You Never Let Go

As we're getting back into our routine it's becoming more apparent to me that our family is missing someone. I think a lot of it has to do with how much more independent Riley is becoming. He goes to the potty by himself; he feeds himself; he can pretty much get himself dressed (not to the point of picking out his clothes...I'm too much of a control freak for that one!); he can play by himself, etc...

During the holidays I tried not to really let myself and my heart think about just how disappointed I am to not be matched or have my baby home yet. I remember thinking at the last Christmas (at that point we'd already been waiting for 6 months) that surely, we would have a baby home by this Christmas. When I realized this was not going to be a reality I allowed myself some time to grieve and some time to feel that disappointment, but I didn't want to miss the joy of the season by constantly dwelling on it. So, I shut it away as much as I could and jumped into the season.

Now that we're back and life has slowed down, my arms and my heart ache to be a mom again. Today I wasn't feeling well (sinus stuff--yuck!), so while Riley napped I was watching Adoption Stories on the Discovery Health Channel. It happened to be a story about a baby from Korea coming home to her mommy, daddy, and brother. As I saw the escort hand the baby over to her mommy in the airport tears just started coming as I relived the feeling of that very moment when Riley was handed to me for the first time. I can remember that feeling of absolute joy and awe that my dream of being a mommy was REALLY coming true!

Honestly, there are moments where I just want to throw in the towel and say forget it. I'm tired of waiting. I'm tired of having my life be so uncertain. I'm tired of worrying about whether our baby has been born yet or not and if he/she has been born are they okay, are they being loved on, what am I missing, etc... I'm tired of all of the ups and downs in the waiting. Simply put, I am tired.

But, as I remember that moment in the airport a little over 2 years ago. As I read to Riley tonight and gave him one more snuggle and cuddle before he went to sleep. As I held him in my arms tonight and we sang. I know that it is all WORTH IT! I know that God is faithful. I know that He meets me where I am and even when I may not have the strength to reach to Him, He NEVER LETS GO. And, I am reminded that we are right where we are supposed to be...nothing escapes God's notice.

"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I'm caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won't turn back, I know you are near

I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear
Whom then shall I fear

Oh no You never let go through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go in every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go, Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see the light that is comin' for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to the struggles
But until that day comes, we'll live to know You here on the Earth

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear
Whom then shall I fear

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
and there will be and end to the struggles
but until that day comes
*STILL I WILL PRAISE YOU
STILL I WILL PRAISE YOU*"

Written by Matt Redman